Epiphany
by Lady Chitose
Summary: Ironically, the view at the top of the mountain paled in comparison to the climb up it. :Kira victory AU, slight Light x L:


Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, which is probably a good thing.

Notes: Character study, so it's more thoughts and feelings than plot. AU where Kira wins because something tells me he wouldn't be satisfied with how things turned out for long. Light and Kira are two different people in the same body in this. It makes sense when you read it, I hope.

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He didn't understand.

He had everything he wanted. He had achieved his ideal of wiping the world virtually free of crime. Every living being worshiped the ground he walked on. He was married to Misa, one of his most loyal minions, albeit against his will, but he did it out of his godly generosity. Everything had turned out perfectly, just the way he had envisioned when he realized the power of that little black notebook. His life was perfect. Yet he couldn't be more dissatisfied.

This was something Kira, ironically, could not wrap his mind around. He brushed the feeling off, but it always seemed to find its way back to him at the worst of times.

Kira, the illustrious ruler and guardian of the world, was living the life he had been striving for tirelessly for years. It took years and countless people killed, but he managed to live through it. Perhaps some sort of mysterious deity was on his side. Perhaps he was just lucky. He didn't know for sure, and as far as he was concerned it didn't matter so long as he accomplished his goal.

He used to believe that, anyway. Now that he had done everything he wanted, there was nothing left to do. Boredom, the very thing that began this journey, is also what lasted to the end. Day after day his routine consisted of watching over his peaceful world to make sure nothing had changed or gone wrong. Nothing ever did any more. To Kira, ironically, there was something wrong with that. There was no spark, no flame that motivated him to do anything. The flame was replaced by a cold, intermittent wind, and he had no idea how to restore the flame. Climbing up the mountain was far more entertaining than standing at the top, he mused.

Unsurprisingly, the fact that crime was practically nonexistent now had changed everyone. Surprisingly, it wasn't for the better as Kira had visualized. In the event that Kira did leave his quarters – the ones that used to belong to L, something that haunted him in the back of his mind – everyone acted exactly the same. They were all mindless robots who couldn't think or act for themselves. No one challenged him. No one questioned him. Everyone treated him like a god. While he enjoyed being treated as such initially, the novelty quickly wore off. He received enough of this sort of attention from Misa and Mikami alone, so he didn't feel like he needed any more from anyone else.

It was ironic, horribly so, how bored, how isolated he felt when he was the most desired being on the planet. Deep down he knew that they didn't want him for Light Yagami, who he truly was, but for Kira, who he had become through what he had done. And a lot of Light's development as Kira came through L.

L, who paradoxically made Light want to be Kira and not want to be Kira simultaneously.

He remembered that day vividly. Life draining from his body, L looked through feeble eyes at Kira. He didn't have time to collect the proof, but as far as he was concerned Kira's twisted smile and venomous gaze was as good of evidence as many. Too bad no one else saw it, he thought.

What was sadder than this, L believed, was that he was spending the last moments of his life in the arms of Kira and not Light. Despite his relentless accusations, there had always been that sliver of hope that Light was in fact innocent, or at least that he was Kira but wouldn't go back to that. He loved Light but hated Kira. One couldn't exist without the other now. It was a tragedy. For a moment he imagined Light's jubilant smile before black swallowed his vision.

Kira erupted into victorious laughter while the part of Light that still existed wept. Kira was able to silence that part of himself, or what used to be himself. Kira argued that L had this coming for defying the future God, and as future God Kira won against Light.

Kira didn't miss L, not at all, but rather L's persona. The challenge L provided. They both knew neither of them had met such a perfect intellectual match, a fact that fueled both of them with even more desire to top the other. In contrast, Light missed him as a person, as a friend, as a possible lover, though the chances of that were shattered by the existence of Kira.

Now, as he gazed out into the colorless sky above the lifeless city, he wasn't sure who was the real victor. Maybe there wasn't one. But being Kira he certainly wouldn't admit to defeat either. After all, he achieved his goal while L died trying to achieve his. He had at least won in that aspect.

However, though he wouldn't acknowledge it, deep down he knew he killed the only person worthy of life in this languid excuse of a so-called perfect world. How utterly ironic.

Yet somehow, a large part of him lost as well. Lost his father, lost his "enemy", but more than anything lost himself. The Death Note made him a different person. Had the notebook fallen into the hands of a criminal, a true criminal using it solely for his own selfish gain, Light would have likely ended up on L's side as his partner rather than his enemy. But now he was even more of a shinigami than Ryuk, who amused himself through daytime television and roaming around to grocery stores whenever he craved apples. He may as well grow wings and go to the shinigami realm. At least then his killings would lengthen his life.

Then again, that didn't sound so appealing considering how bored he was. When L was alive he never recalled being bored. He didn't have time to be bored since L matched him in his quick thinking. L was at least good at providing Kira with amusement. Both shared the love of intellectual warfare if nothing else. But by no means did Kira miss L though, because Kira was above the silly nuisances of human emotions.

Light, however, was not. But Light was dead in Kira's eyes, and Kira's words and beliefs were law. Kira killed Light as something of a sacrifice to the world some that Kira may replace the body of a formerly brilliant yet uninspired student. There were plenty more of those out there, surely, so getting rid of one couldn't hurt.

Though sometimes – more frequently with the passing days, months, years – he feels as though Light is still alive somehow, somewhere. Just as he felt the haunting presence of the deceased black-haired detective, serving up his own brand of justice while eating innumerable amounts of sweets. Their voices planted themselves in his mind, slowly consuming him body and soul like a deadly incurable disease. While ignorance is bliss, the bliss was often ephemeral and killed by something as simple as a dessert commercial. The small things, which grew into the big things, which grew into everything, were beginning to remind him of his former life and who he once was.

At times it felt like Light was in fact still alive somewhere within him, refusing to die without a fight. Kira could ignore this at first, but the voice grew from a whisper to a shriek over time. Light was a growing tumor that couldn't be removed despite his best efforts.

L crept back into his mind, reawakening a pang in his chest, though this time it actually stung. Now he felt as though L had won, even though his death was brought by Kira's hands. He didn't understand this, because he had been dead for years now, and yet he has just as much power over Kira as when he was alive. Somehow, by investing so much time in studying L and figuring out how to kill him, he became immortal in Kira's mind.

Inside him Light was still crying. For himself, for L, for the world. Bitterly Light cursed Kira for killing the one person he'd grown to love, among many. Kira disregarded this as usual, but after years of suppressed emotion he felt Light rising from the grave and somehow bringing L with him.

A tear slithered down Kira's face, but Kira knew the tear, the sign of weakness, belonged to Light, not him. The emotions locked away for so many years had broken their way out. They wrapped around him and constricted him in a ruthless bind. His throat tightened as if to prevent air from entering, and Kira blames L as he always does.

Light and L had won against Kira, and he hadn't realized – or wanted to admit - that until now. This new world was so lifeless. Everyone was a robot, an empty, metallic shell programmed to do as Kira says. Things weren't supposed to turn out this way. The world was supposed to be perfect; it was supposed to be the most brilliant shade of gold instead of the darkest gray.

To think, he surrendered his life to a notebook, and to have everything rot instead of flourish, to have irony taunt him like this. All that was lost couldn't be regained. Kira wiped away the damp trail on his face, still gazing at the world below him. He wasn't one to succumb to emotion, but his human side was still, after all of this. Maybe he'd be merciful enough to let Light return, if only for an occasional outburst of emotion.

He was crying upon the realization that all the regret and sorrow in the world couldn't change the past. He cried upon the realization that nothing he had done to get to where he stood was worth it.

He only wished he'd understood that before it was too late.


End file.
